Friends Season 101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate part1

The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate part1

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]

Monica:
- There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey:
- C'mon, you're going out with the guy!
- There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler:
- All right Joey, be nice.
- So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe:
- Wait, does he eat chalk?

( They all stare, bemused. )

Phoebe:
- Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica:
- Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date.
- It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

Chandler:
- Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

Chandler:
- Alright, so I'm back in high school,
- I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria,
- and I realize I am totally naked.

All:
- Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler:
- Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Joey:
- Instead of...?

Chandler:
- That's right.

Joey:
- Never had that dream.

Phoebe:
- No.

Chandler:
- All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.
- Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Monica:
- And they weren't looking at you before?!

Chandler:
- Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother,
- which is very-very weird, because she never calls me!

[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

Ross: (mortified)
- Hi.

Joey:
- This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica:
- Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross:
- I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine,
- pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler:
- Cookie?

Monica: (explaining to the others)
- Carol moved her stuff out today.
-> move out

Joey:
- Ohh.

Monica: (to Ross)
- Let me get you some coffee.

Ross:
- Thanks.

Phoebe:
- Ooh! Oh!
(She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

Ross:
- No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura!
- No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe:
- Fine! Be murky!

Ross:
- I'll be fine, alright?
- Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica:
- No you don't.

Ross:
- No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Joey:
- And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Ross:
- No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that?
-> fixate[ˈfɪkset] on : always thinking and talking about sb/sth in a way that is not normal.
- She didn't know, how should I know?

Chandler:
- Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian...
(They all stare at him.)
- Did I say that out loud? 

Ross:
- I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica:
- Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M.,
- "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what?
- A wrong number?

Ross:
- Sorry.

Joey:
- Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now.
- You're angry. You're hurting.
- Can I tell you what the answer is?

(Ross gestures his consent.)

Joey:
- Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross:
- I don't want to be single, okay?
- I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

 (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler:
- And I just want a million dollars!
(He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica:
- Rachel?!

Rachel:
- Oh God Monica hi! Thank God!
- I just went to your building and you weren't there
- and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Waitress:
- Can I get you some coffee?

Monica: (pointing at Rachel)
- De-caff.
(to All)
- Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor.
(to Rachel)
- This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey,
- and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel:
- Hi, sure!

Ross:
- Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again.
 A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

Monica:
- So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel:
- Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding.
- I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents,
- and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat.
- When all of a sudden
(to the waitress that brought her coffee)
- Sweet 'n' Lo?(代糖品牌, 可以直接代表代糖)
- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry!
- And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me:
- how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head.
- Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but...
- Anyway, I just had to get out of there,
- and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'.
(to Monica)
- So anyway I just didn't know where to go,
- and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart,
- but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city. 

Monica:
- Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel:
- Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...